Re-acclimating to home when nothing has changed but me

I can confidently say that the two least impactful and least interesting parts of my experience studying abroad for a semester were the flight from New York to Cape Town, and the flight from Cape Town back to New York. Neither of them felt real, or seemed as if they truly did take seventeen hours, or had any kind of groundbreaking revelation attached to them. In fact, I would even stand to argue that it took being away from the airport for at least an hour to even realize that the flight had actually happened. I suppose there’s just something universal about airplanes and airports; no matter where you are in the world, they all feel like this strange no man’s land. A place that isn’t anyone’s final destination, not really. It’s a fast-moving wasteland of suitcases. I know so many people claim that they didn’t feel the reality of their study abroad trip until they were in the plane as its wheels lifted off the ground, but in both of my extended airplane trips I distinctly remember not feeling a thing.

There are a lot of things that I listened to and took truly to heart when people offered me advice on spending a semester abroad. Since it was something I knew I wanted to do since I was sixteen years old and in high school, I’ve felt perpetually determined to prepare vigorously. Upon leaving Paris and hearing the end of my grandmother’s own study abroad experience there, I convinced myself that until the point when I actually set foot on foreign soil to begin my study abroad experience, I would spend every moment preparing for it. This presents the reason I have always been extremely careful with my GPA at Loyola, what motivated me to go to several international program presentations before I chose which one to apply to, and it’s makes understandable why I’ve always listened to any and all advice offered to me about studying abroad.

It’s also the reason I was prepared so well to deal with disappointments, hassles, and all the other things that are the not so glamorous part of living in a foreign place.

But if there’s one thing I didn’t necessarily take seriously, it was what was going to happen to me when I got home from being abroad. I think the only time I really did spend thinking about the time when my trip was finally over occurred in a writing class last semester. One of my classmates had written a story involving a girl who returned home utterly changed and unable to spend time with her friends and family without feeling misunderstood. The only part I paid attention to was when the story’s author addressed my comment about the flight home from study abroad. “It’s the worst thing in the world.” she said. I agreed with her.

And yet despite my confidence that preparation for the fateful flight would prevent me from the most difficult part of study abroad, I never really thought about what it would be like when the experience was finally over. I didn’t think about my life in a way that looked toward the future, I thought about it as stopping at a large question mark at the place where my junior year spring semester would be. Things wouldn’t begin, wouldn’t make real sense until I went abroad and figured out what was supposed to happen next. I was so engrossed in the idea of study abroad telling me what I was supposed to do that in all my preparations for it I didn’t reserve a space in my mind for what things would actually be like when I got home. And so when I finally did arrive home, I was slapped with the realization that the only things I really brought with me from South Africa were one more experience under my belt and a newly open space for a new dream.

I know people who came home from abroad, even people who came home from my own program who have barely fit back into their lifestyles from before. I talk to them now, and they spend time reminiscing, wishing they were back where they were when they were abroad. And not all of them, but some certainly have this terrifying attitude I’ve always been afraid of—this permanent nostalgia, a jealousy of their past.

I’ve always known what this experience was going to be, or at least, knew what to expect while I was there. And I don’t regret a single moment of my time abroad, especially because of how much I learned about myself, the world around me, and the life I want to lead in the future. I’ve met people and experienced things that some people wait a whole lifetime to experience. And I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, or that the best part of my past is now far behind me, because I don’t plan to give up a lifestyle of travel and new things anytime soon. But I will say that nothing has prepared me for the way I feel at home. It’s summed up the best in my title—I’ve had to face an overwhelming amount of re-acclimation to a place that hasn’t really changed in six months. And when I get back to Loyola, I’ll have to do it all over again. I’ll have to get used to allowing a new person, a changed person created by my time abroad to live openly in a place so different from where she emerged.

Sometimes when my relatives and my friends ask me questions about Cape Town, I do feel really sad. And I miss the friends that I made that I probably won’t see again anytime soon, and I miss having the mountains constantly in my background, and I miss the Nest, despite how ready I was to leave it at the end of my time there. And though it is strange, it’s good to be home, and to be reminded that in this life I only have to give myself something to work toward, something to look forward to, and I will escape the treacherous grip of nostalgia. The open space in my life has already quickly been filled by a new dream. Or, rather, by a variation of the old one. I hope to continue living abroad in the future, and to constantly chase the high of experiences that create entirely new parts of me.

Becoming the Surfer I always wished I could be.

Something about Cape Town has encouraged me to seek out opportunities that I have always wondered about but have never had the courage to actually pursue. Maybe it’s the opportunities that are so easily accessible all over the city, or maybe it is the fact that I have known from the beginning how little time I really have to spend here, but I’ve found myself really engaging with new things while here in South Africa. More specifically, I have gone surfing twice a week for the past six weeks, have joined the gymnastics club at UCT, and have met with a fluent French speaker to practice my own French several times in the past week.

It may not seem like such a huge deal, but trying something new like surfing, or speaking French, or gymnastics at an age already so far past the normal beginning age has definitely been intimidating. It’s certainly difficult sometimes to see little kids surfing more easily than me, or having difficulty completing the most basic gymnastics moves when someone ten years younger than me has no trouble, or stumbling over basic French grammar when I have taken a year and a half’s worth of courses on it already. But at the same time, it has been so satisfying to be able to stand up on the surfboard and surf into a wave, to complete gymnastics moves that I was terrified of only a few weeks ago, and to no longer have such a mental block about speaking French with French speakers. It’s been the type of feeling that is rewarding because I have worked so hard and started from a point so far behind. And to be able to say that I can surf, I can speak French, and I do gymnastics has been an incredibly cool feeling.

I think one of the most interesting things I have learned while studying abroad in South Africa is that I am stronger and more adventurous than I ever thought. I don’t know why it took a place so foreign from home to encourage me to try things I have always wanted to try, but regardless of the reasoning I am grateful. I have plans already to continue these activities when I get home, and though it will certainly be difficult to go surfing when I no longer live forty-five minutes from the beach, I am confident that I will find a way to get there. I’ve had a lot of cool experiences while living in Cape Town, but, strangely enough, the coolest thing I’ve experienced here has been seeing the small changes in myself.

When I get home, I’m certainly not going to be even close to the same person that I was when I left.

Wait, Is It Actually Possible to Do Things Alone Here?

There are moments when I look forward and think about how little time I have left in this country, and I panic a little. How could I possibly be leaving in a few short weeks? There are so many things left to do in this country, and I doubt there will be time for me to do them all. 

But then there are moments when I look back at all the things I have done. The other day, I was sitting in my room at the Nest, and I looked over at my bulletin board. About a week after I arrived in Cape Town, I started putting brochures, postcards, stickers, etc. on it, and at this point it’s so fully covered I can barely see the original orange color of the board. And looking at all the things I’ve picked up and put on that board in my time here, I had this strange feeling of how much I have accomplished in just a few short weeks. I remembered how overwhelming it was for the first few days, looking at an unfamiliar room, and an intimidating, empty orange bulletin board. And all of a sudden I realized how much I have changed since I’ve been here.

I think what’s surprised me the most about studying abroad has been the ways in which I have stepped outside my comfort zone. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but so far I have definitely surprised myself. I’ve taken several flights completely on my own (I am not a huge fan of flying so this has been an accomplishment), I have taken public transportation on my own, and I have gained a fairly deep understanding of this country. I’ve asked the uncomfortable questions, and I have definitely had moments where I have made a fool out of myself. Coming into this country, I think I wanted to immediately be an expert on everything. And perhaps that was naïve, considering how little research I actually did before coming here. But I have learned as I’ve gone, and I’ve started to form my own personal understanding of this place.

As strange as it might seem, I’ve gotten used to the constant protests on campus, and within classroom discussions, I am no longer so surprised to hear a student blatantly tell a professor that what they are teaching is wrong, or irrelevant. South Africa, I’ve learned, is so similar to the United States in a lot of ways, but at the same time it is so different. I think the constant unrest comes as a symbol of how different a period of history it is in than the United States. It’s fascinating, and I finally feel like I am beginning to find a place here. I’ll certainly be sad to leave, but I don’t think my involvement with South Africa will end when I step off the plane, back in the United States. 

Finding and Redefining Life Goals

Before I came to Cape Town, I knew that I wanted travel to be a part of my future career. I have always had this idea in my head, this beautiful picture of myself stepping off planes all over the world and seeing unique-looking animals, and beautifully historic buildings, and speaking with people who have only things to say that I have never heard before. I even knew that I wanted to learn several languages, and be able to speak them fluently; I think being able to communicate in more than one way is one of the most interesting skills a person can have. But now that I’ve actually been here for a few months, and now that I have somewhat of an understanding of what it means to live in a foreign place without the comforts of home, I think I’ve gotten a bit of a better grasp of what goals I have for my life in the future.

            The biggest difference between what I thought before and what I know now is that no sort of traveling lifestyle is going to happen to me by chance. Living successfully in this city, an in any city as a matter of fact, takes a lot of work, communication, the desire to learn, and a good spirit of adventure. If I really do want to live a lifestyle that leaves me constantly on the verge of something new, I have to start meeting new people now, I have to start living that type of lifestyle while I’m here. I don’t necessarily mean that I have to network every second and that there is no time to lay back and enjoying the flowers while I’m here in Cape Town. I just mean that everything about this opportunity, for me, can be used as a window to my future. I’ve been willing to push myself into uncomfortable situations because I know that living a life of travel means being uncomfortable sometimes. And I’ve been trying to learn as much as I possibly can about this city because I know that my life of travel doesn’t start somewhere in the murky future, but that it actually starts now. The beautiful picture of me stepping off of a plane and into a totally foreign place? Well, I think it’s safe to say that I’ve already seen that picture happen in real life, when I stepped off the plane in Cape Town for the first time.

I still don’t have definable goals for the short answer to the question of what I want to do with my life. I just know that I want to travel, and that there are opportunities for that, and that I need to begin grasping at those opportunities now. I’m already in the midst of one of those opportunities now, and what better way to live a life of travel than to begin it this way?